A reservoir of strength

People look at me and see a reservoir of strength. It’s not a bad thing, I think.

It tends to bite you in the butt when your strength reservoir is nothing more than a pool of water on the side of the road after a rainy day.

That’s what I feel like right now.

I run into people and they ask me how I’m doing. Not the stop in front of you, look you in the eye and ask “How are you?” because they really want to know how you’re doing. That’s what I want them to do. Stop what you’re doing and really ask me because you really want to know. Not because its the polite thing to do but because you care, sincerely care about how I’m doing.

The thing is, once I am able to really tell someone they wouldn’t know how to respond.

The reservoir of strength they know is nothing more than a covered empty container. Its how I feel. It’s sad.

It’ll be coming round the corner…

The five month stretch is here.

Its started my missing in action phase. I find myself wanting to withdraw from everyone physically. I find myself not wanting to blog on my identified blog. I’m blogging but its not that awesome blog where people laugh, cry, or empathize.

I wonder how these next five months will go. Will I find a new job? Can I start over soon? New number, new job, new co-workers? Maybe even a new place? new acquaintances? I am finding new places to visit, new places to eat, I’m making new memories with the same places he and I went to.

Five months is a long time. It’s one month shy of six months.

To think within this year I would be getting engaged… but here I am single and too broken to want a relationship with anyone else. Too selfish to present myself as relationship material.

I’m focused on self and maybe that’s a good thing but I know it’ll be a bad thing if I get too used to it.

So the month of October is half-way done.

November is a month where we started talking 3 years ago and well quite frankly 3 years later we’re not talking, of course a choice I made all on my own.

December a month of joy, happiness, and family love. We loved to talk about our family traditions and the traditions we would make in our future.

January… the would be mark of 3 years yet a week after our 2 anniversary I found myself celebrating nothing but a broken 2 year anniversary…

February…the love month where it was official that we were done. He started talking and dating someone else.

So here goes the five month stretch. The 19th of these months will be the hardest…another month solidifying another month of singleness.

I don’t miss who he is now. I miss the man I loved. I don’t miss the boy he’s become.

As my defense…

I know I’ve been MIA.

 

Honestly, nothing has been happening in my life. I’m at a place in life where I completely enjoy the flirting, the laughs, the harmless compliments and the place where we don’t have to progress or title whatever is going on.

Bring me to the stage where all of the uncertainty hits-the we like each other, we really like each other, should I tell him I love him? does he love me? ….Sorry but I’m out the door. Leave me be where it’s harmless and no one has to think about what’s going on or better yet …catapult me all the way to the other extreme where all the hard work, the sacrifice, the hurts, and the joys have passed through and we’re just walking together enjoying our life with each other, I’ll be content.

 

Please don’t take me to the middle where its no man’s land. It hurts too much and its too much work, sacrifice, and time.

Granted I probably feel that way because no one has really tickled my fancy but that’s honestly how I feel.

I will say I’ve done the last spying bit on Facebook of my ex-boyfriend.

What did I notice?

He’s never ever done this in our relationship but recently he’s been posting as his facebook status to the effect of …“I’ve got alot on my mind…”

someone will comment oh what’s wrong?

what will he say? girl problems.

As my defense, you broke up with me and basically did not want to have anything to do with me any longer.

You left me and picked up another girl… and you’re the one with the problems….?

 

As I contemplate these unknown planes of thought…I’m amazed. I’m not the type of person to leave when its hard and even when I’m left alone it’s truly hard for me to let go and “leave”.

BUT alot of the time its just got to be done. I can look back and say I’m glad he left me because if he went downhill as a man while we were together, I, as his girlfriend, would have stayed by his side, never leaving. The thought may have crossed my mind but it would have never come to fruition.

Life at the moment.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I recently made a new facebook just to traffic more people to my blog, not this one of course, my other one where I’m not anonymous. 🙂

I’ve “bothered” everyone to help me meet people but I think I’m at the stage where I just want to run away. Start over, have a makeover, new wardrobe, etc. Do something drastic.

Oh and all those guys-they’ve disappeared whether its because I’ve stopped being ms friendly flirty or they’ve stopped checking up on me, more rather given up on me.. I’m just a bunch of who knows…

SO, we’ll see.

Who are you? What do you want from me?!

I have two blogs. One where I’m not anonymous and this one.

Today as I checked my email I got 2 notifications from wordpress. One was a reply to a comment I had made and one was “please moderate” I always get excited when I see those notifications. Except when I clicked on it and started reading… I was shocked…

A new comment on the post “I’m Not A Girl?!” is waiting for your approval

Author : melanie (IP: 119.93.75.90 , 119.93.75.90.static.pldt.net)
E-mail : wwjd@yahoo.com
URL    :
Whois  : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=119.93.75.90
Comment:
I LOL at the posts.. YA think you’re better because you are taking your rants online.. Well newsflash sweety, your blogs cannot hide the truth.. and ya know what the truth is? Apart from the personal experiences, they are found on your search engines searches and in the H E A R T. Btw, hope you already made that phone call…

Who are you and what are you talking about? What do you want from me? There’s a reason I’m not on facebook and I’m glad I never reactivated mine. I probably never will.

Oh no! He didn’t….

So you know how I told the ex-bf to cool it until 8 mos?

Ok well it’s been about 3 weeks.

He texted me yesterday morning…

Hey pray for my family especially my mom. She unexpectedly lost her sister. I don’t know all the details but the funeral is Friday. They are driving to Kansas.

I had a choice to make. Text him back or what?

I already knew this all went down because I called his mom on Saturday on a whim. She told me all this and more-she was going to email me when she got back from Missouri and let me know how it all went.

So, I texted him because I love his family and I wanted him to portray that to them…

I talked with your mom sat-she brought me up to date on everything she knows and will email me when she gets back from MO. I’m praying for ur family.

I’m not expecting a reply because we are not supposed to be communicating. Do i get a reply? Oh yeah. A hell of a reply at that!

Prepare for a shocker:

Hey. I mean I know you and my mom still talk and what not but I am very serious about my new girlfriend and am looking to get engaged soon after I graduate. I just didn’t want it to seem shady or like there was a chance of us getting back together later on down the road. Idk if that’s what u were tryin to do with my mom like i know yall are friends but I mean, I’ve made my decision and I don’t want any confusion. So like I just I really need you to respect it with my family and I’ll talk to my mom about it too cuz like when my girlfriend hears about you talkin to my mom it looks like I’m doin something wrong u know. So its gotta stop

Alot of things are running through my head as I read this text. Who in the world wrote this? Because someone sounds like a valley girl with all them LIKES in this sentence.

1. YOU TEXTED ME TO PRAY FOR YOUR FAMILY especially your mom.

That’s rude of you to spring this one like this.

2. I MADE the decision to CEASE ALL COMMUNICATION.

In which you responded, well I’ll text you every now and then to see how you’re doing.. Which I clarified to no communication AT ALL not just phone but EVERYTHING text, email, etc.

With that knowledge you said, I’ll be hearing about you through my mom since that’s the only connection we’ll be having…

3. Heck with your girlfriend. I grew up in L.A.

I know people out there who grew up in L.A. and will fight for me.

4. Who you think you are to be telling your mom what to do?

Especially at time like this. She’s on my side in this situation. I would know because I actually talk to her!

5. Who you think you are to tell me what to do?! We’re not together. Heck we’re not even friends! You think I’m going to listen to you?!

Ok, so i will listen and respect your mom but unless she tells me otherwise I will be talking to her. THANK YOU.

6. Uhm so your girlfriend knows your mom and I talk?

Did she know you wanted to keep in contact with me? Did you tell her that you still had strong feelings for me? Did you tell her that we stayed on the phone all night long talking to one another? Did you tell her you think you still think of me as yours?

7. If I was an absolute girl I would have torn your life upside down already. I saved those text messages you sent me…where you say you will ALWAYS care for me. Where you said you can’t give me dating advice because you can’t go there.

8. If your gf is so insecure about your EX-gf and your mom talking- you WILL have problems. She won’t stop there. She’ll make you stop talking to everyone that is a threat or everyone she perceives as a threat.

Boy, I’ve never known you to be stupid but right now you are a complete fool. Any of that legalese stuff you learned in school and completely love is out the window. Maybe you should reconsider your profession.

Oh and if you were wondering. Your mom and I don’t talk about you. We talk about everything but you. Your mom knows I’m better off without you and I deserve someone amazing because right now you are not the man I dated but a boy I do not know.

Putting my foot down.

It’s difficult for me but I did it.

I told the ex-bf as long as he has a gf we can’t talk until 8 mos have passed because by 8 mos my heart would have understood that he didn’t run after me.

I walked away and no one was following after …

What do I feel like? I can’t exactly say. Half of me is like yes, I finally get to move on but

the other half?

Maybe me letting him completely go and letting him realize I will not be there for him… will he come back?

my thoughts and feelings are adequately portrayed with these two songs..

I told his mom on him…

I told my ex-bf’s mom EVERYTHING

She was on my side of course.

Oh and she knew about J & I. And she told her son (my ex-bf). She’s dating..

She told me ex-bf got upset and didn’t want to hear anything about it.

YOU SAY WHAT?! Did you tell him he already has a GF so I could do whatever I WANT!

Her: GIRL!!! I told him! I know!(said thru laughter)

hehe, she’s SO COOL! 😀

I asked her.. why can’t he let me go? Why do we still have to be friends?

Because he doesn’t want to lose an awesome person in his life.. [ah, she’s so sweet!]

I advise you the same thing everyone else has been telling you.. to stop talking to him until he figures his life out…it makes me sad that he has to go through this alone but I hope he learns his lesson and that he doesn’t learn it too late so he doesn’t lose you…

Anyway! I have a walking away speech already written. Ben helped me, haha. Basically it says we can’t talk unless he no longer has a gf or 8mos has passed because I know for sure my mind will be able to control my emotions. Either way my emotions and feelings will be under control and probably buried 8 feet under (yes like Madea, I was so mad I was jumping on his casket!)

I’m just waiting til he texts me again…I know it’ll be soon.

Elaborating on my confessions…

Like Usher’s Confessions Part 1 & Part 2

I have quite a few confessions of my own…

Well, as you know from my last post I confessed I was still in love with my ex-bf. How did I find that out? We talked last week. Not just a hey, how you doing talking… I mean we talked til he had to go to work the next morning. He didn’t sleep.

I can tell you right now that my mind has relinquished all rights I had as a girlfriend concerning him. I know eventually my heart will follow suit.

So, the conversation well first we were texting. Oh I did tell him I have an extensive question to ask him and wanted to know what time he needed to be at work. He said 6am and I said oh forget it. He pressed the issue so…

I texted him: A friend and I were talking and he was asking me what I thought of him. I told him and I asked him the same question about me. He said, You never give up and I see you happily married. [Cute huh? :), I digress] What do you think I should work on as a person?

HE FREAKS OUT!!! He said: Uhm, if you’re asking me advice about guys trying to date you and guys that you want to date/like. I can’t… maybe its selfish but you wouldn’t appreciate it if I did that to you. Sorry.

Uhm. No! We’re not even together. Ask me advice on other girls I don’t care. It would also solidify in my brain that we are no longer together and it would aid in me getting over you even faster! And I said FRIEND not dating prospect!

He apologized and gave me some answer like oh you’re really loyal to your family… crap like that.

By this time it was 11pm and I decided to call because this conversation could have been over a long time ago had we just talked about it.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I mentioned something about the future of us being over.

He said I shouldn’t say things like that because I don’t know what God’s will is.

How could you say something like that when you’re with someone else?!?!

Stutters….I don’t know… I  really don’t know.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I mentioned J’s present to me.. the cutest panda bears EVER. I love pandas anyway. It was a mini stuffed animal and a keychain panda. I told the ex-bf. Oh yeah, I want to use the panda keychain but I don’t want it to get dirty…

Wait, who gave you the panda keychain?

Oh a friend for my birthday….

[I mentioned my birthday a few times and it wasn’t acknowledged not that I was hoping he would but by the way he was sounding in our conversation his mind was moving a million miles an hour trying to figure out the things I was saying…and uhm, isn’t that a boyfriend question? Who gave you the panda keychain….just wondering]

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I also told him I was sending back his gifts. Specifically, the one-year anniversary 2ct sterling silver bracelet he gave me. He said he can see why he would want to although he doesn’t really want me to send it back. I also let him know I haven’t used any of his gifts. They aren’t hiding but they are most definitely not being used. I also told him the panda bear, named Bam-Bam, he gave me was actually on my bed that night. He said where has it been? On the floor. He will be back on the floor after tonight again. I don’t even know why he’s on my bed. SILENCE.

Oh and I will be returning your HS class ring. I’ve been waiting for you to ask for it back but I’m tired of waiting. Why would I ask for it back its a gift. OH OH NO NO NO. it’s not a gift. Don’t lie. This symbolized me being yours. I was your girlfriend it was also a promise of the future. Your HS class ring today meant an engagement ring in our future.  SILENCE

* * * * * * * * * * * *

So, why couldn’t you give me advice on guys?

Because it’s weird…I still think… stutter stutter

What?! You still “own” me?!

well YEAH I mean its hard for me to even think of you with other guys/dating other guys, etc.

Oh no no you have to fix that. You say you want to be friends. You need to fix the way you think because friends are able to give advice…

SILENCE

* * * * * * * * * * * *

We also talked about true/real love. He told me about his friends that were together, broke up, eventually got married and now they’re fine…

He asked, How do you know?

Obviously, your friends had true love. They broke up for a reason but one loved the other enough to forgive them and overlook it and start over again. Now, they’re together-married.

BUT “true” love could be one-sided. My friend Ben would gladly take his ex-gf back-he was thinking marriage with this girl. But she wouldn’t take him back-ever. Obviously, Ben had true love but she didn’t.

Yeah…yeah…true

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Around 6am he fell asleep on me and I let him. I was on the phone just thinking of the conversation and wondering how since HE broke up with me how HE doesn’t sound like he’s even ok… I’m fine. I’m living life and moving on.

So 30minutes later he awakened suddenly. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I fell asleep. Why are you freaking out? Its totally ok… Because it’s supposed to be the other way around. Uhm, no.. lol

Confessions.

I’m going to be completely honest.

I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend.

How does that happen? How do my feelings remain even without communication? Even with the knowledge that he’s dating someone else?

Weird.